Crutches, walker, and wheelchair

Crutches, a walker and a wheelchair fight for space in our living room. In the hospital these all looked normal and exciting. In our house, they look starkly alien. I look at these new parts waiting for Lan and it chokes my heart.

The wheelchair will only stay for another two months. The crutches and walker though, are here to stay. These are now parts of Lan's life...forever. It will still take us some time to get used to them. Never will she be able to hop out of bed and run to the bathroom without first putting on her new prosthesis or having the aid of her crutches or walker. Its kind of difficult to get used to that idea.

But, she is such a strong child! She is now only taking ibuprofen for the pain. She has quit taking the Loretab and says she is comfortable. I keep asking if she needs something for her pain because how can you have an amputation and not feel the wound throbbing? Finally Lan said to me, "Mom, it doesn't hurt as much as my foot always did. This feels better". Okay, so lets just make that evidence 527 in the "Proof I've Blown It As A Mom" book. How could I not have understood that her foot was hurting everyday more than an amputation would???

There is so much more evidence to add to the bad mom book. Children #9 and #10 have missing assignments at school of which are all due NOW, #6 is flunking English and needs that credit to graduate next month. #11 follows me around repeating, "Mom, Mom, Mom! What if there was no electricity, would we still have to go to school? What would happen if the bus forgot to bring Ammon home?" and endless variations of the "what if" scenerio.

Ammon starts shrieking each time I leave the room because he thinks I'm going away without him somewhere and Lan continously has to go to the bathroom, eat, put in a new DVD, tell me she is bored or to change the position of her pillow/blanket/wedgie underwear etc. Ammon and Lan cannot be in the same room together because Ammon has decided his job as a brother is to do anything possible to touch her bandaged leg....and hear her scream. He finds great joy in that and take his responsibility very seriously.

#5 never mentioned he got a speeding ticket until he tried to join the Navy and they told him he is on hold until the WARRANT for his ARREST is resolved...which meant a $300 check from my pocket written out to the court because the unpaid ticket went from traffic court to civil court. He thought if he ignored it long enough they would just forget about him.

Where is that 60 gallon drum of Calgon??

I thought I would finally get a little break on Sunday. I dressed all the children and knew that once they left, Lan and I would have a quiet 3 hour break. I dressed Ammon last, buttoned up his shirt and had just told him to stand still so I could put on his tie and he has a seizure. Another big one. So, Ammon joined Lan and I on our 3 hour hiatus. Usually he would sleep but for the first time ever in my experience he did not sleep. Not one wink.

We go back to Shriners tomorrow and will stay until Thursday afternoon. Its a 3 hour drive each way. They will take off her dressing and inspect the wound and then show me how to do the dressing. We'll see the wound for the first time. I can't predict how this affect Lan. I just hope I don't faint. Two months ago I came very close to hitting the floor when I had to see the stitches in #10's forehead. (Slumber party gone too wild.)

Today when Jessica came over to visit Lan wouldn't let Jessica see the bandage. She kept her blanket covering her leg in the wheelchair. She absolutely won't consider going to school until she has her prosthetic. At least that is her opinion now. Maybe she'll miss school enough to reconsider. School is that motivating for her.

So, this is how we are doing on day 5 post surgery. As hard as it is to be in the hospital, I do believe that is much easier than being home.

I don't know how we could have managed this without all the help from friends and family supporting us and encouraging us. As Mma Ramotswe says in "Miracle At Speedy Motors"

"Sometimes it seemed as if the world itself is broken, that there is something wrong with all of us, something broken in such a way that it might not be put together again; but the holding of hands, human hand in human hand could help, could make the world seem less broken"

Thanks for holding my hand.

Within 48 hours of surgery...can you believe it??

Post surgery 4/16/08

And we had an incredible day. Lan is one strong and feisty scrapper. If only I could be as brave. She couldn't understand why she kept seeing two Spongebob's on the TV and I could only see one. She handled the first day magnificently....but the nerve block hasn't worn off yet. That will happen today.

She cried this morning 4/17 for the first time...not specifically from pain but from boredom which I really think was the result of all the stress. She is now fingerpainting.

She was most pained by the IV and finally got that taken out. HOORAY! She has felt the first weird sensation in her foot. She says it feels like her "leg is vibrating". She is also starting feel some phantom pains. Her brain remembers there should be a foot, even if there is not one there.

We will be here until at least tomorrow. The block will wear off and then the real pain reality will set in. She's a trooper!

Lan will not be "limb"ited

And thus we have moved forward. Lan has been in surgery for 30 minutes now. I wonder what is happening in the operating room as I compose my thoughts.

Lan was a trooper, far more ready than I had even imagined. How would we have known that the child with overwhelming and paralyzing timidity and anxiety that we brought home from China would march forward with such determination and courage? It built step above small, sometimes faltering step, and she arrived at this point prepared to face this pain and the loss.
We have been preparing for this day for years and actively getting ready since this past January. We had the professional photos done, we talked extensively about what was ahead. We had intended to have an impression made of her foot but hadn’t coordinated that yet so when the phone call came on Monday 4/14 that her surgery was being moved up and we needed to be in Salt Lake City THE NEXT DAY to check in at Shriner’s we had to scramble!

As it worked out, we called our dentist and he told us he would be happy to help and to bring Lan in the following morning before we left for Salt Lake and he would make the impression. When we arrived there all the assistants in the office lined up to help mix the geltate and give Lan encouragement. The impression turned out impressively! And it is even in Lan’s favorite color. It is amazing to me the detail of each tiny line and bump and toenail. I can hold it in my hand like I often did her foot. It gives ME comfort to have something to handle and hold that I have loved so much for so long and now, which is gone. While it may sound creepy to some, I’m really glad that we have this.

We had a goodbye party for her baby foot Monday night. Ginger and her family came over and all the Ellison children took turn signing their names on it. It gave them all a chance to touch it and hold it for the final time. And Lan was all smiles throughout. We wrapped up that baby foot with all our love for Lan and added support for the trials that are ahead for her. We have a long road still before us.

We had intended for Stephen to take the week off from work and stay with the children except for today when he would come up very early and spend the day with us. That ended up not happening as after getting Ammon off the bus yesterday, our boy had a very intense seizure. Stephen had to use the rectal valium we were given for such situations and Ammon finally stopped seizing. But, we don't feel he can make the drive here or be left in Cedar City without a parent. Yesterday is also the 4 year anniversary of his finding day. Perhaps his body remembers that very stressful day in his life? He has been very good with seizures since the Life Flight but yesterday was another biggie.

It is now an hour and a half since Lan went into surgery. I would imagine her baby foot is now gone..... how will she respond when the thought of no foot becomes a reality?

Ammon's Language Explosion!!

(Please take note of Ammon's choice of shoes)

What a treasure it is to be able to share with you fabulous news about Ammon's language growth.

He gave us quite a scare 5 weeks ago when he stopped breathing during a seizure and had to be intubated in the emergency room and then put on the Life Flight to Primary Children's Hospital. As I look back on that very traumatic day, I wonder that of all the days in the year this could have happened, why did it happen that day? You see, he came extremely close to leaving us two year to the day that we realized that he was an Ellison. On Friday, 2/28/06 my husband and I had the very strong confirmation that this child was OUR son and made the commitment to welcome him to our family. On Friday, 2/29/08 we almost had to say goodbye to our little guy and watch him leave our family. Just such strange timing.

When Ammon had the bad seizure, the doctors increased his Topomax level and added Dilantin. This combination seems to work the best for him. We have notice a marked decrease in his aggression level, and a substantial increase in his ability to focus and stay on task. And excitedly, a huge leap forward in his language. Let me give you some examples...

He got these Batman croc like shoes that he thinks are THE BOMB. He has to wear them everywhere and was quite upset that he couldn't wear them to church with his Easter suit. Anyway, he was sitting in the cart as I wheeled through Walmart and his shoe fell off. Without a thought he shouted, "Mommy stop! My shoe!" You can bet I stopped dead in my tracks. Ammon had never used "my" before, ever. And he used it spontaneously and correctly. Now when his school bus pulls on to our street, according to his bus driver very proud bus driver, he will shout, "Mommy! Watch out! I home!~" He has just started to understand me, I, my, etc. He can clearly say his name.

The other day his big sister Makayla jumped out from behind the stairs and he shrieked, "You scare me!" When he wakes up on the morning he will say, "Mommy, come on! I hungry. Eat noodles an eggs an cereal an sandwich. Lets go!" Each night he demands to kiss and hug each brother and sister and tell them, "Love you". No one gets to leave Ammon without a hug and a kiss. Doesn't matter if you are the FedEx man or one of the children's friends.

Each day when I get Ammon off the bus he gets so excited to see me walk down the driveway. He squeals and giggles and shouts, "Ammon mommy!" Every day is to him as if he won the jackpot. His mommy is waiting for him. HIS mommy. He knows what it is like to have no mommy. He has lost a birth mother, SWI mommy and foster mommy. The knowledge each day as he sees me appear at the top of the driveway that he has his mommy for another day, instills the greatest delight and joy in him. It can't help but fill me with joy too.

Easter 2008