We have been home one month today with our dearest youngest son. While
I love with my whole heart, I'm most happy to see we have hit this
mark. We are now halfway through the "two months just survive each day
after adoption phase". Remember how we will remind you families that
the first two months are really hard and not to expect anything more
successful that just getting through each day? You won't feel "normal"
for at least two month post adoption. It doesn't matter how many times
you've been through this process. It holds true for all of us.
I'm not complaining to you (yes, venting I am to people who understand
what I'm experiencing), but I feel its really important for families who
have just arrived home to know that this "unnormal" is the normal the
first two months home and that they aren't failing as parents or as a
family. If you have yet to adopt and this will be your first
experience, please put these words in the back of your brain to pull out
for later reference.
Frankly, I am still very tired. Physically and emotionally I'm quite
wilted. In fact, I'm so tired that through my mind randomly runs the
thought, "Getting hit by a bus would have its advantages. A nice long
coma in a private room hospital bed sounds so relaxing". These are the
things that make me most tired:
The bundle of arms and legs kicking and squirming all night long in MY
bed because sleeping in the bed NEXT to mine is not close enough to
comfort an anxious child (I mean two here. The newly adopted child and
the just displaced child who is trying to protect her turf)
Waking up at 4 AM to take a little one potty who then decides that Kix
and soup are necessary before returning to sleep just in time for me to
have to up and ready to get the other kids off to school. Bleary eyed I
go for the remainder of the day.
Being the new jungle gym for a child who doesn't know boundaries and
LOVES the idea of having a mother to cuddle, stand on, dig elbows into,
climb upon, as he learns how to skinship since he doesn't now quite know
how. The wet, slobbery kisses are treasures BUT when they continue for
20 minutes at a time and my face is starting to prune, its time for a
breather.
Never having even one second of physical or emotional alone time. Its
the newly mothered child shadowing you, standing within two inches of
you as you toilet and shower or pounding on the door to get in if you
DARE shut the door on them because they can't bear to have you out of
their line of vision because a mother (or sometimes two or three) has
done that to them before and they remember. On some level they are
petrified this is going to happen to them again. They have the right to
be afraid. And we are responsible to help them learn that THIS MAMA
ALWAYS COMES BACK. If its not the newly adopted child needing you then
it is the other children who have been patiently (or not so patiently)
waiting for their turn to get part of their mother.
Too much time chasing a child in waiting rooms, doctors offices, blood
labs, EEG labs, immunization centers, pharmacies, language evaluations,
physcio-motor evaluations, school admission meetings, et al. We haven't
even attempted church yet!
Returning to work the day after arriving home because working for a
non-profit with time sensitive responsibilities like matching children,
collecting LOI's and writing Basic Info Letters, sending out dossiers,
learning about and explaining new rules changes, means that there are no
others without their own loads to be able to do this as quickly. So
this is all done with a 3 year old sticking post its on your face and
drawing over your chair mat because he doesn't start school until next
week. So work is also early in the morning and late at night so I can
do this while he is sleeping.
Trying to shop with two little ones who both want the same seat in the
cart. And since they both want the cart you have no room to put
anything you want to buy. So you stack it on top and then crash through
the aisles to checkout. Only to know that once you get to the car you
have to try to get the groceries AND the children back in the vehicle.
Craving really good Mexican food you haven't eaten in weeks but can't
because the thought of wrestling your new child to stay in his seat at
the restaurant is not appetizing. Leaving him home means that the
siblings have to listen to him cry because he is afraid that Mama is not
going to come back.
Not being able to share your complaints with other who haven't been
there because they reply, "You asked for this!"
YES! I did ask for this beautiful, spirited, warm, smart and happy
child and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Its just that this part
of the process is tiring and yes, sometimes hard. Its okay to share
that it is because IT IS. For each of us. Every time.
